The Absolute Terror of Lady K (Keep KALM and Love KALM!)
by Nate Grey
Summary: Kazuma's party confronts the final (interim) general of the Demon King: the infamous Lady K. The good news: she doesn't want to fight. The bad news: she offers them jobs in her Endless Demon Horde. And between the job security and the benefits, it's reeeally hard to say no... so they don't.


Notes: Because I started this story before I began reading the light novel, several things here do not match up with that version. Ultimately this is just something to have fun with, so please don't take it too seriously when you come across a contradiction. Hopefully fun will be had by most.

* * *

 **The Absolute Terror of Lady K**

 **(Keep KALM and Love KALM!)**

 **A Konosuba Tale by**

 **Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)**

* * *

With a predatory smirk, Kazuma laid his hands on the iron door handles. It was time. "We're so close," he said, glancing at the trusted members of his party. "Almost time to end this."

Each of them nodded eagerly.

Aqua was practically salivating at the thought of how much money defeating the final (interim) general of the Demon King would gain her. Oh, and she might share a little with the others... maybe. After she had splurged on expensive booze and various other treats for herself.

Megumin had been forcibly restrained from using her magic all day in preparation for this battle. Now she was itching to let loose on the first monster she laid eyes on.

Darkness was trembling with desire at the thought of standing bravely before her comrades as attacks rained down upon her from all sides. She could almost picture the terror on their faces as the demons swarmed all over her, ripping away her armor and doing unspeakable things to her pure flesh. A noticeable blush stained her cheeks, but everyone knew better than to bother calling attention to it now.

Wiz had also come along. Officially, she was there as a guide, but Aqua had threatened to purify her if she didn't help out. Though Kazuma had assured Wiz that he would never allow this, one could never be too careful with Aqua's threats, so Wiz had quickly agreed to join them on a temporary basis. The unforeseen result of this was that the party was repeatedly mistaken for Wiz's honor guard, and thus was able to ambush several unsuspecting servants of the Demon King. Although Wiz seemed especially bothered by the looks of confusion and betrayal some of them aimed at her as they were killed.

But it was almost over now. One last general to defeat, and then the only major challenge was the Demon King himself.

"Let's do this!" Kazuma roared, and then he flung the doors open wide. He charged forward, with his comrades quickly following him into the dark chamber.

They were only a few steps in when an enormous clawed hand swooped out of nowhere, nearly smashing the entire party. It was only through sheer luck that they all managed to dive aside-

"ACK! KAZUMA, SAVE ME!"

-well, almost all of them.

A terrified Aqua was now shrieking, held captive within the enormous hand, which they could now see clearly belonged to an equally enormous demon. Judging by the sheer size of his immense body, the length of his horns, the width of his bulging muscles, and the span of his wings, he could only be a greater demon.

And yet, impossibly, he was not the greatest threat in the chamber.

For seated on his right shoulder, gazing down upon the party with a smirk, was the true threat: Lady K, the final and greatest of the Demon King's generals. And of course she would seem small, as any being with a humanoid form would, in comparison to the standard true form of any greater demon. Although, she was even smaller still. Child-like, really. Well, exactly child-sized, when you got right down to it. Seriously, she wasn't even 12 years old.

"Ahahahahahaha!" Lady K let out her most fearsome laugh. "Tremble before the absolute terror of Lady K! Greatest and last of the Devil King's (interim) generals! Mistress of the Endless Demon Horde! Master of the Forbid-!"

"Komekko, is that you?!" Megumin demanded, her entire face red from embarrassment.

Lady K was furious. "Onee-chan! How dare you interrupt my super-cool intro?! Even if it's you, I can't forgive that!"

This exchange was witnessed with a great deal of confusion by the rest of Kazuma's party.

"Wait, so... the last general of the Demon King is your little sister?" Kazuma asked, staring hard at Megumin.

"No, of course not!" Megumin snapped. "There's no way that my precious little Komekko would ever join up with a bunch of evil-!"

"Wiz-chan!" Lady K cried in delight. With a curious flash of light, she appeared at Wiz's feet and latched onto her legs. "I missed you!"

Wiz, slightly embarrassed at the stares this earned, knelt down and embraced Lady K. "It's wonderful to see you again, Komekko-chan. I hope you've been doing well?"

"Yeah! I even-"

"STOP!" Kazuma ordered. "Stop stop stop STOP!" Once everyone had properly frozen, he walked over to Wiz and knelt down next to her, peering at Lady K curiously. "Let me make sure I have this right. You are both Komekko, Megumin's little sister, AND Lady K, the Demon King's general?"

"NO!" said Megumin, appalled by the very idea.

"Yes," said Lady K, totally ignoring her. "I'm an interim general!"

"Then there's absolutely no reason that we can't end this peacefully," Kazuma concluded. He grinned at Lady K. "So, great and terrible Lady K, could you please just tell everyone that we defeated you?"

Lady K stared at him blankly. "No."

"How about you join our party and help us defeat your boss?"

"No."

"What if we paid you in candy?"

"Still no."

"What do you want from us, kid?!" Kazuma screamed, tearing at his hair.

"Three things. First, you guys have to join my Endless Demon Horde. Second, you have to stop making trouble for the Demon King. And finally, onee-chan has to apologize for interrupting my intro!"

"That has to be a joke!" Aqua cried from where she was still held hostage. "Why would we ever join a demon horde?!"

Lady K grinned. "It's not a demon horde, it's the Endless Demon Horde. There's free health care, comfy living spaces, and all the meat you can eat."

"Where do we sign up again?" Kazuma asked, shaking her hands eagerly.

"Don't you dare trust her, Kazuma!" Aqua yelled. "Make her prove that she isn't lying to you!"

"I don't need to lie." Lady K waved her hand, instantly summoning a goblin the size of a small dog. Despite being on the small side, he looked well-rested, and had a potbelly that proved he hadn't missed any meals lately. "This is Gurk," Lady K said. "He can tell you all about my benefits package."

"HA! Why would we trust any of your demons if don't we trust you?" Aqua demanded.

The greater demon holding Aqua scowled and looked as if he were about to crush her for insulting his summoner. But before he could, someone else came to the summoner's defense.

"Stop insulting Komekko!" Megumin shouted, earning a shocked look from Aqua. "Even if she's a little misguided, she wouldn't lie to me! And she wouldn't ask a demon to lie, either!" She turned back to the goblin, who was staring at her with huge, watery eyes, which somehow made him twice as unsightly. "Huh?!" she cried, jerking away from him.

"Gurk is moved by your love for Mistress," Gurk said. "Gurk is happy Mistress has someone else who loves her as much as Gurk does."

"Oh, uh... thank you?" Megumin was not sure how to deal with all of Gurk's emotion. "Anyway, could you please tell us about these benefits?"

"Before Gurk came to work for Mistress, Gurk didn't know where Gurk would sleep every day, or where Gurk's next meal would come from. Gurk was very sad and lonely. But then, Gurk met Mistress and Master Hoost." He bowed to the greater demon who still held Aqua. "They took Gurk in, fed Gurk, gave Gurk a nice place to live, and introduced Gurk to so many friends. Gurk don't know what would have become if Gurk, if Gurk hadn't met them. Gurk is proud to be part of Mistress's Endless Demon Horde."

Lady K patted Gurk on the head. "Thank you, Gurk. That was nicely said."

"Gurk only told the truth, Mistress."

"That's nice and all, but I think a goblin's standard of living is a little different from a human's," Darkness pointed out.

Lady K pointed at herself. "Do I look unhealthy?"

"Hmm. No, you don't.

"So obviously my standard of living is just fine."

Darkness nodded. "That's hard to argue with. Despite living with a demon horde, you seem to be in perfect health. You're not even dirty like I'd expect one to be from living with such... filthy creatures..." Darkness murmured, a dreamy look on her face. "So very, very filthy..."

Lady K made a disgusted face and moved away from Darkness. "Anyone have any other questions?"

Kazuma cleared his throat. "Your offer is tempting, but in my time as an adventurer, I've come to enjoy a certain social status."

"Oh, so you must be this Kazutrash I've heard about!" Lady K said eagerly. "Or was it Crapuma?"

Kazuma frowned at her. "It's Kazuma, actually."

"Really? That's boring. How would you like to have a name with some real power behind it?"

"I've heard what Crimson Demons think are good names. I'll pass."

Lady K sighed. "That's too bad. I guess you're not interested in being a lord."

Kazuma immediately thought of the very fat lord that nearly had him executed. "Not really, no."

"You're probably picturing a human lord, though. I was talking about a demon lord. They get perks that your everyday human lords don't."

"I appreciate the offer, but I don't really think-"

"When is the last time you saw a demon lord on trial for anything?" Lady K interrupted. "Never. Because nobody is crazy or strong enough to try and drag one before a judge. And even if they could, what would prevent the demon lord's followers from wrecking everything until he was released? Demons don't follow human rules, and they don't respect human authority. Power is all that matters to demons. If you're not strong enough to stop them, then your opinion doesn't exist to them. And one more thing: nobody has the balls to yank a quest reward out of a demon lord's hands. I bet you're tired of that happening, right?"

"How do you know about that?" Kazuma asked, narrowing his eyes.

"I have demons that keep their ears open for interesting news. How hard do you think it was for them to find someone who uses Explosion magic exclusively and keeps getting kicked out of parties because of it?"

"H-Hey," Megumin murmured, looking uncomfortable. "I'm standing right here!"

"Yes, that's how we can see that the comment had the sting of truth," Kazuma agreed, nodding.

"H-HEY!"

Lady K went over and hugged Megumin around the waist. "Don't worry, onee-chan. I still think you're awesome. But you still have to apologize for messing up my intro!"

Megumin blushed and returned the hug. "I'm sorry, Komekko. I'll never do it again, I promise. Now, could you have your demon put Aqua down, please?"

Lady K frowned. "I don't know. From everything I've heard, she's the most underhanded member of your group, and all of her followers are violent cultists. How do I know she won't attack the second I let her go?"

There was an extended pause, and then everyone in Kazuma's party except Aqua burst into laughter, while Aqua herself angrily demanded, "WHO HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO?!"

"Maybe because all your information came fron demons, they would naturally be prejudiced against a goddess?" Wiz suggested, wiping away tears of laughter.

Lady K shook her head. "Mmm, I doubt it. They've seen her doing some pretty crappy things, and normally demons admire that sort of stuff. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate a horrible person, but it doesn't really help for negotiations like this."

"I AM NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON!" Aqua whined. "KAZUMA! YOU DEFEND MY HONOR AS A GODDESS RIGHT NOW OR I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!"

Kazuma very reluctantly muttered, "She's not as horrible as she seems."

Lady K considered this. "Okay. But I think I'd like some insurance, just in case." She snapped her fingers.

At once, the chamber was filled with demons of all shapes and sizes. There was simply no way for Kazuma's party to defeat them all, no matter how prepared they thought they were.

"S-So many demons," Darkness breathed, starting to pant excitedly. "N-No way out...! Sure to be ravaged...!"

"Want to meet them?" Lady K asked. "Let's see. That's Akamaru, this one is Shiromaru, over there is Kuromaru, there's Bob, and-"

"You have a demon named Bob?" Kazuma snickered.

Lady K glared at him. "You shut your face! Bob's awesome!"

A small, rather plain-looking demon poked his head out of the crowd. "Someone call for Bob?"

"Not now, Bob."

"Sorry, Boss." Bob vanished back into the crowd.

"I guess you can let Aqua go now, Hoost," Lady K instructed.

"Yeah, fine," the greater demon grumbled, dropping Aqua directly on top of Kazuma. Although in his defense, since the room was now packed with demons, he either had to drop Aqua on one of her own party members, or on a demon, so in all fairness, Aqua should not have complained about landing on Kazuma.

But of course she did.

"So!" Lady K said, clapping her hands. "You guys ready to join up with me now?"

"But you're essentially asking us to become bad guys, right?" Kazuma asked.

"From my perspective, the townspeople and authorities who never support you unless it's convenient for them are the bad guys."

"You work for the Demon King!"

"It's a means to an end. I made a promise to Hoost, and being the Demon King's interim general is the easiest way to accomplish it. If you want the truth, the guy is pretty hard to stomach. But it's not like I have much contact with him. Aside from the occasional order, he pretty much allows generals do as they please, so long as they don't make him look bad."

"Well, what about Darkness? Her family is firmly against the Demon King."

"That's no problem. Just make up a new name and change her hair a bit. No one has to know it's the same person. I can even change your appearance with magic, if you want."

Kazuma's eyes narrowed. "Hold on. Since we've known you, I've seen you teleport, summon demons, and now you say you have cosmetic magic. So that's at least three different spells, right?"

Lady K blinked. "Sure, why?"

Kazuma immediately got in Megumin's personal space and stared at her. "So if you two are really sisters, then why have I been saddled with the near-useless older sister that only knows one spell?!"

"HEY!" Megumin shouted, grabbing him by the neck and shaking him. "What's that supposed to mean?!"

"If you really need me to explain it, you're even more useless than I thought!"

Lady K's eyes gleamed in triumph. "Well, how about this as a bonus? If you guys join up with me, I'll make onee-chan learn a bunch of useful spells!"

All of Kazuma's party except Megumin immediately bowed at Lady K's feet. "We live to serve you, great and terrible Lady K," they murmured as one.

"HEY! You guys stop that right now!" Megumin protested.

"Oh?" Lady K asked with a smirk. "It's fine if you're too embarrassed to learn from your little sister, onee-chan. All you have to do is admit that I have surpassed you in every way except size, and I won't require you to learn anything new."

Megumin blushed. "Y-You know I could never do that!"

"Yes. That's why I know you'll agree to learn from me. Don't worry, everything I'll teach you will support your Explosion magic. Really, you're only cheating yourself by refusing to learn from me. I mean, at this point, my Explosion magic is more effective than yours, and I don't even specialize in it."

Megumin's eyes widened. "Take that back, Komekko! It's not true!"

Lady K shook her head. "It's true, onee-chan. But I want you to be the best at Explosion magic. So please, let me teach you what I've learned. Let me show that you that my time as a general has had a greater purpose."

* * *

A week later, a lone crusader with red hair walked into a random town at noon.

She announced herself as Lady Lala of the Lascivious Legion, spokesperson of the KALM faction. She demanded the immediate and total surrender of the entire town, assured them that they were powerless to stop her in any way, and warned that any resistance would be mercilessly crushed.

She was not taken seriously. At least, not until she revealed that her comrades had been responsible for the town-wide disappearance of female undergarments that morning, and that this was just the smallest demonstration of their power.

While many men reeled from the revelation, confirmed by many blushing women who had been too ashamed to admit being robbed of such personal items (and equally wary to reveal it to any man who might then want to peek), the attack began. The town was overrun by enormous orcs in minutes. They dealt brutally with the men, and groped the women at every opportunity.

No one was killed. The men were in no shape to continue, and the women were mortified by their molestation. Everyone wanted to give up.

Except they couldn't. During the orc attack, which Lady Lala had ordered herself, several people had witnessed three orcs surround her, and deal with her as they had all the other women. And though Lady Lala had fought against this apparent betrayal of her army, many noted the prominent blush on her face as the orcs carried her off. It was hard to say what had become of her, only that she was no longer available to accept their surrender.

The orcs returned that evening, with a much disheveled but suspiciously happy Lady Lala, and herded the people out of the town. The explosions began promptly once everyone was escorted to safety, and completely leveled the town. Any fires that still burned were quickly washed away by the flood that followed.

The townspeople were left to stare at their former town, which had effectively been demoralized and wiped off of the map. No one knew quite what to say.

But one old man said it best. "With all the breath and life left in me, I curse the KALM faction!"

* * *

Lady K's job offer was as good as her word, without even a hint of deceit.

Kazuma was indeed given new, real status: the title of Goblin Boss. It may not have sounded impressive in everyday conversation, but Kazuma could effectively order any goblin, anywhere, to do anything. Including help him carry out panty raids. And they were already pretty good at lurking and stealing, so it was as if Kazuma had found his people. They just turned out to be goblins instead.

Aqua was given the title of Goddess of All Things Transparent. She thought it was a reference to her being a goddess of water, but the others strongly suspected it was a reference to the see-through portion of her mini-skirt. In any case, she was given command of only two subordinates. But as they were a kraken and a hydra, she could not complain. They were both naturally rather angry about being kept in pens with only limited amounts of water, so finally being paired with a water goddess was a breath of fresh air to them. Aqua was hesitant at first, but through a happy accident, discovered that the saliva of a water goddess was like catnip for sea monsters. As in they would try to breed with anything she chose to spit on. Which had resulted in the destruction of various structures in rather traumatizing fashion for anyone unfortunate enough to witness it.

Darkness, in order to protect her family's honor, went by the name of Lusty Lady Lala of the Lascivious Legion. Which consisted solely of seven-foot tall male orcs, skilled in nothing but beating up men and fondling women without permission. There was a small adjustment period, in which the orcs had to get used to the idea that their new leader actually wanted to be fondled by them, no matter how much she protested and fought back. After that, they all got along famously.

Megumin was the hardest case of all. Despite giving her word, she still refused to learn any new spells. Lady K solved this problem by tying Megumin to a chair, stealing her adventurer card, force-feeding her extremely rare cabbages worth tons of experience, and then assigning the skill points where necessary. Maybe their genetics were similar enough where she could fool the card into thinking she was its owner. Maybe she knew a spell to mask her identity. Or maybe Megumin's card was so tired of waiting for the mountain of extra skill points to be spent, that it would have accepted anyone who tried to assign them. No matter how it was done, Lady K had no trouble forcing new skills upon her older sister. And, as promised, each one was designed to improve Megumin's Explosion spell.

First and foremost, Megumin's stubbornness had caused her to miss out on several passive spells that would have greatly improved her performance. There was Half Mana, which halved the mana cost of all spells without reducing effectiveness. There was Double Spell, which allowed a spell to be cast twice in a row or simultaneously for the cost of one use. There was even Party Drain, a risky skill that constantly drained mana from the rest of the party, but this was only recommended for a party that depended heavily on their mage.

Lady K forced all of these skills upon Megumin, and assigned her an army of lich mages (fondly known as the Megumages). As a rule, they had huge mana reserves, and since they couldn't die, there was no danger of depleting their mana to the point of death by mana drain. The end result of which was that Megumin could cast Explosion spells nearly thirty times a day before she was in danger of passing out. And even when she did, she now had a lich assistant in Wiz, who was permanently equipped with a body pillow, so at least Megumin didn't have to collapse onto the ground anymore. Even better, the lich army did not mind dressing up like Megumin and participating in her dramatic posing. It was almost like having her own personal cheer squad... that she greedily drained mana from at every opportunity. Really, it was hard to say who the true mana-devouring monster was in that crowd.

* * *

Luna cleared her throat as she faced the assembled might of the guild. "Thank you all for being prompt. I'm afraid I have some terrible news." She carefully posted four new bounty quests on the mission board one by one. "As you can see, Satou Kazuma and his party have fallen to the dark side. They're now in league with the Devil King, and new bounty quests have been issued for them."

This announcement was met with shock, outright denials, and... some relatively fast acceptance. Kazuma's reputation clearly proceeded him.

"Because of the high risk involved, I will be reading the bounty quests aloud. Hopefully, this will minimize the number of lives lost. We don't want anyone walking into these quests unprepared for the dangers they're sure to face."

The guild immediately quieted down, allowing Luna to continue.

"First is Kazuma himself, now known as Goblin Boss Kazuma. Nicknames include Kazuboss and Bossuma. He is proficient in Thief skills, but his Adventurer class allows him a wide range of varied attack styles, and his unnaturally high luck only makes him more unpredictable. He commands a troop of goblins, the size of which is estimated to be in the low hundreds. They are especially known to target attractive women, solely for the purpose of underwear theft. Otherwise they will target anyone who is obvious about their wealth. It is strongly recommended that you discard any expensive items before facing them, unless you wish to use said items as bait and are willing to risk losing them."

Several women clutched themselves in fear, as if their underwear might be snatched that very moment. Even Kazuma would have been impressed by just how negatively these former allies now viewed him.

"Next is Aqua, now known as the Goddess of All Things Transparent. It is unclear if this title refers to her style of dress, or her preference for water-based magic. Likewise, it is unclear if she has any relation to the water goddess Aqua-sama, who is associated with the Axis sect. There has been no firm acknowledgement from the Axis sect, and you may remember that the Aqua we know was prone to false boasting and minor delusions. In any case, she is an unusually powerful Archpriest, proficient in healing and anti-undead magic. She commands only two units, but as they are a hydra and a kraken, extreme caution is advised. In addition, her saliva has been found to have an effect similar to catnip for giant, multi-armed marine life, so avoid it all costs, if you value your sanity."

The last bit earned some rather disturbed looks and more than a little uncontrollable shuddering.

"Next is Lusty Lady Lala of the Lascivious Legion. Though her hair is now red, we are fairly certain that she was formerly the Crusader Darkness, and therefore has the aforementioned skill set. She now commands an army of rare male orcs, who are known to beat men into submission and grope women without permission. Do not be fooled if the orcs seem to turn on her during an attack, apparently this is some sort of 'rough play' that they enjoy from time to time."

This earned both confused looks from most present, and some curiously thoughful expressions from a few women, as if they had never considered that orcs might be desirable playmates. Darkness would have no doubt been pleased that she might have expanded some perspectives.

"Finally is Megumin, and Arch Wizard, also known as the Crazy Explosions Girl. She now commands a lich army, known as the Megumages, and by draining their mana can use the Explosion spell repeatedly in rapid fashion. There actually is no bounty quest for her, merely a warning to avoid her at all costs and to immediately flee if you should ever encounter her."

"NO!" a lone voice shouted.

All heads turned as a young girl, clearly of the Crimson Magic clan by her black hair and red eyes, stepped forward.

"I will never flee from Megumin! She is my sworn rival until death, and I, Yunyun, the next chief of the Crimson Magic clan, promise that I will be the one to defeat her!"

Luna frowned. "But will you be alright? Explosion is the most powerful magic. How will you combat that?"

Yunyun blushed. "A-Ah, well, I don't exactly know right now. B-But! I've been Megumin's rival all this time, and I haven't been blown to bits yet!"

"Ooooohhh!" The entire guild stared at Yunyun with increasing awe. They had seen the devastation caused by Megumin's explosions. For anyone other than Darkness to survive them seemed like an impossible feat.

Of course, Yunyun purposely left out that Megumin had never actually even tried to blow her up. Megumin wasn't a monster, after all. Or at least, she hadn't been.

An eager but slightly confused man raised his voice. "Let's hear it for, uh... CRAZY ANTI-EXPLOSIONS GIRL! YAY, YUNYUN!"

"YAAAAY, YUNYUN!" everyone else cheered.

"Wait, no!" Yunyun cried, but she was instantly surrounded. People were cheering, hugging her, patting her on the back, shaking both of her hands. People were being... friendly to her.

At long last.

With happy tears in her eyes, Yunyun bowed her head. "Please take good care of me-!"

* * *

Lady K walked into her personal chambers one evening to find Megumin furiously writing something. "Hey, what are you doing, onee-chan?"

"I'm telling Mama and Papa on you!" Megumin snapped. "There's no way they know what you've been doing!"

Lady K frowned. "My amazing onee-chan has become a tattletale. I'm so disappointed. Anyway, they already know. I send them a letter every week."

Megumin spun around and glared at her. "There's no way!"

"Sure there is. I have a mail demon who sneaks into the village just to deliver my letters."

* * *

Yuiyui smiled as she finished another letter from her youngest daughter and turned to her husband. "Darling, it seems that Komekko is doing very well in this party she's joined up with. Oh, and she's sent more money. We can get a new stove, after all."

Hyoizaburoo frowned at her. "I just wish she hadn't run off so suddenly without even telling us. We never even got to see this Hoost guy she's always going on about. She could at least bring him home so we could meet him and size him up! I mean, he could be a goblin for all we know!"

"Now, now, dear. She says he's very strong and super-cool, so he obviously makes her happy and can protect her."

"Fine, but what kind of guy hooks up with a kid so young?! It's practically criminal!"

Yuiyui beamed at him. "You know Komekko is a very willful child. I'm sure she's the one that won't change her mind about him, and good for her. A strong man like Hoost is sure to be a great husband for her one day."

* * *

Megumin stared at Lady K blankly. "...you told them you joined a party with a guy named Hoost?!"

"That's his name and he is a guy! I didn't mention that he was a greater demon, but-"

"Komekko, I can't believe you! Mama and Papa have no idea what you've been up to! No wonder they haven't put a stop to it!"

Lady K glared at her. "And what could they do, exactly? I could hardly go home, even if I wanted to. I'm an interim general of the Demon King. They wouldn't even let me get near the village. So what good what it do, me telling Mama and Papa the whole truth? And you're no different! They don't know that you put all your skill points into being an Explosion-only Arch Wizard! Why is it okay for you to keep that secret?"

Megumin frowned. "That's different! I'm not an enemy of our village now!"

"I wouldn't be so sure. We both played a part in an evil god being unsealed, or did you forget? Do you think the village would approve if they knew about that?"

"That's still different! You'd never admit to being part of that, so why would I?"

"And that's where we're different. I would proudly admit to it, because I've found a place where I can belong if the village turns its back on me. And you could have that, too, if you'd just stop fighting this. Haven't I helped you get stronger, like I promised? Why can't you just be happy that we're together again? Didn't you miss me at all?"

"That's not fair, Komekko! Of course I missed you. But you're on the side of evil!"

"The Demon King doesn't attack our village anymore. I convinced him that there's always a chance some other Crimson Demon might decide to join him. And he was so happy with me, that he decided to risk it. I've single-handedly protected our village from him by being evil, as you call it. And now that I have you, he's even more convinced that he made the right choice by listening to me. And if you'd stop being so stubborn, you'd see there's a way that you can help me protect the village!"

Megumin frowned at her. "What are you talking about?"

Lady K grinned at her. "I knew you wouldn't understand. You're still in denial, even now. But it will all become clear very soon, onee-chan."

* * *

Yunyun ran all the way from the teleport point and burst into her father's house, only to find him and Megumin calmly sipping tea.

"Megumin, you fiend!" Yunyun shrieked, pouncing on the smaller girl and pummeling her. "How dare you?! How dare you threaten my father?! My family?! Our home?!"

Yunyun's father coughed. "Ah, Yunyun, I think you're mistaken. Megumin isn't here to threaten us at all."

"Yes, she is!" Yunyun yanked a letter out of her pocket and threw it at him. "It's all there in that letter she sent me! How she intends to enslave the villagers, execute my family, and burn our village to the ground!"

Yunyun's father read the letter carefully, then frowned at Megumin. "Oi. You said you'd find a way to explain it to Yunyun calmly, not totally freak her out with ridiculous lies."

Megumin chuckled evilly. "You think you can command me, Megumin of the KALM faction, leader of the Megumages, sister of-?"

"Oi. We had a deal. Hold up your end, or I'll tell your folks that you're a liar who broke my daughter's heart."

Megumin blushed. "Fine, I'll do it!" She cleared her throat. "Rejoice, my rival, Yunyun! I have decided to spare your family and the village, but only on one condit-!"

"Oi."

"Alright, already!"

Yunyun glanced between them, thoroughly confused. "What's going on here?!"

Megumin coughed and posed dramatically. "The fateful day has finally come, Yunyun! You and I shall enter into an eternal battle, and only one of us will emerge the victor and sole survivor!"

Yunyun's father cleared his throat loudly. "Oi. That's the worst marriage proposal I've ever heard."

Megumin stumbled out of her pose, red-faced. "Chief! You ruined it!"

Yunyun stared at her. "M-Marriage?! What are you talking about?! Who is proposing to who?! I heard no such thing!"

Her father shook his head. "The Demon King has decided to form an alliance with our village. As a show of goodwill, he suggested an arranged marriage. We can do no less than to offer my own daughter for this. The Demon King has offered a respected relative of one of his generals. I can see how you wouldn't have picked up on that, since Megumin did such a horrible job of it, but that was a proposal, from her to you."

Yunyun gaped at Megumin for a long moment. Then she snapped her mouth shut, and an easily identifiable expression settled across her face: she was furious. "So," she said in a soft, dangerous tone as she approached Megumin. "You pretended to threaten my family, my friends, my home, when you were supposed to be asking me to marry you?!"

Megumin began to backpedal as Yunyun got closer. "Well, that was-! I mean, I had to set the proper urgency to get you back here fast, and-"

Yunyun grabbed Megumin by the collar, yanked her close, and then planted her lips on Megumin's in a fierce, bruising kiss that lasted several seconds. Finally, she shoved Megumin away, but kept one hand fisted firmly in Megumin's cloak.

"I know it won't be easy, Yunyun," her father said. "But I think perhaps you are just the sort of person who can keep Megumin in line. And by doing so, you do a great service to her, her family, and our village. She's your problem to deal with now."

Megumin frowned. "Hey, what's that supposed to-?!"

Yunyun yanked hard on Megumin's cloak to silence her. "Please do not worry, otou-sama. I will not dishonor our village. I promise that I will mold Megumin into a proper wife, one that her parents will be proud of."

"Who said I'm the wife?!" Megumin demanded. "You want to fight about it?!"

Yunyun yanked Megumin close, allowing the smaller girl to see her eyes glowing bright red. "Yes, I do. Every single day. For the rest of our lives."

Megumin blanched. "W-What's with you, Yunyun? You've changed."

"I'm a village chief's daughter, who grew into an adventurer, who is now married to a member of the Demon King's army. Of course I've changed. Are you saying you don't like how I've changed, Megumin? Because if you are, we will definitely fight about that. But this time, I'm certain I'll win." She began dragging Megumin to the door.

"I-I don't like this new Yunyun! Go back to being the wimpy one with no friends that was easily fooled!" Megumin demanded.

"You're pretty mouthy, for someone who couldn't even propose properly. I think that's the first thing that will have to go."

* * *

The fight wasn't even close.

Megumin was able to get out two Explosion spells, both of which missed. After that, Yunyun simply snuck up behind Megumin and knocked her out.

Megumin insisted that it was all Lady K's fault, because she had said that Megumin would have no need of her lich army to deliver a marriage proposal. Which severely decreased Megumin's power and limited her to only two shots.

Yunyun just smirked and made a mental note to thank her future sister-in-law.

* * *

Lady K stared at her bed with a slight sense of sadness. Since Megumin had joined the Endless Demon Horde, they had shared the bed every night. It had been nice, to know that her sister was right beside her again. But that was over, now that Megumin and Yunyun were married. Cuddling with some random demon just wasn't the same. And while she suspected that Yunyun and Megumin wouldn't mind if she asked to share their bed, they needed time to themselves. Or rather, Yunyun needed time to properly tame Megumin, as it was definitely not a one-night job.

Just then, there was a knock on the bedroom door. "You still awake, Boss? It's Bob, with a message from the Big Boss. Master Hoost told me to wake you up if you were sleeping."

"Come in, Bob," Lady K called. She was actually feeling lonely enough where she might have asked Bob to cuddle with her, frankly. Naturally, he'd be thrilled.

Bob came into the room, carrying a glowing orb about the size of his head. "Here you go, Boss."

"Thanks, Bob," Lady K said, taking the orb from him. "Stick around, I might need you later."

Bob perked up at once, glad to be of use. "Sure thing, Boss!"

Lady K turned the orb several times until a grinning face swam into view within it. "Hi, Wolbach-sama. How's the vacation?"

"Just fine, squirt. Any problems?"

"No, everything is fine. And even if everything wasn't fine, don't forget that you're on vacation. You're not allowed to work."

"Yeah, yeah," Wolbach grumbled. "To be honest, I'm getting a little bored with sitting around doing nothing. I was thinking of cutting my vacation short."

"Are you sure? I can totally handle things here."

"So I heard. The Demon King's calling you a prodigy. Which would be fine, except I think he was trying to imply that my own work has been less than impressive. I'm taking that as a challenge."

"He's wrong about you," Lady K said at once. "And if I'm skilled, it's because I had a great teacher."

"I didn't have to teach much. You're like a sponge, kid. But it's nice to know I can take a break when I feel like it and leave things to you. Who knows, maybe you'll get bumped up to actual general pretty soon, with all the open spots."

Lady K frowned. "No way. I like working for you, Wolbach-sama."

"Huh. I guess I can't fault you for being loyal. For now, anyway. But you need to be careful, shrimp."

"I am."

"Not really. You told me on the very first day that you'd bring down the Demon King and rule the world with Hoost. Not too subtle."

"Well, you said you were fine with it!"

"No, I said I was fine with it, as long as you were willing to fight me for the throne."

"And I'll win!" Lady K promised. "Then you'll be my number three!"

Wolbach chuckled. "Number three, huh? You're really gonna let Hoost outrank me?"

Lady K nodded firmly. "We made a promise to each other. You can only be number two if he wants to give you his spot."

"Assuming you don't kill me."

Lady K paused. "Why would I ever do that? I can beat you without killing you."

Wolbach grinned. "I like your confidence, at least. So, how are those new subordinates working out?"

"Oh, they're a big hit with the demons, and villagers can't stand them. It's like they were made for this work. I can't believe they didn't become evil sooner."

"Well, if you believe half the stuff you hear about the Axis cult, at least one of them already was..."

* * *

"To another successful raid!" Kazuma said loudly, raising his glass of wine.

"You really wanted to say panty raid, didn't you?" Aqua asked knowingly.

Kazuma ignored her. "Let's hear it for the KALM fac-!"

"Of course he wanted to say that. It's practically his job now," Lady Lala added.

Kazuma frowned. "Three cheers for-!"

"He's a professional pervert now," Megumin agreed.

Kazuma was looking very uncomfortable now. "I thought we were here to celebrate-!"

"Aw, there's nothing wrong with Kazu-chan being a total pervert," Lady K chimed in. "At least he hasn't tried to steal my panties yet. So he does have some standards."

Kazuma collapsed into tears. "Leave me alone!"

Lady K patted him soothingly on the head. "Anyway! A toast to the KALM faction!"

"Here, here!" Aqua cheered eagerly, smacking her glass of wine into the others... and instantly turning every glass of wine into a glass of water.

The smiles faded somewhat as everyone sighed and sipped their water in silence. Except for Wiz, who quickly poured out her glass into a nearby potted plant.

 **The End.**

* * *

 **Endnotes!**

According to the light novel, male orcs are extinct. Which I am sure would ruin a personal dream of a certain crusader.

Komekko is awesome. Far more awesome than Megumin. Or at least, her dream appears to have in no way restricted her solely to a specific type of magic.

Most of the spells I forced on Megumin don't exist in Konosuba. Double Spell comes from Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, for example.

The anime makes me feel so bad for Yunyun, I had to treat her kindly.

If it wasn't clear, Lady K is an interim general because she's holding Wolbach's spot while the latter is on vacation.

Lady K's demon's names are not entirely random. Akamaru and Kuromaru are from Naruto, Shiromaru is from a Naruto fanfic (I think), and Bob's awesome, so shut your face.


End file.
